from the working-theory department.
written by alan on October 06, 2002

Music: F.P.M. - Philter / Coldplay - Trouble / Nightmares On Wax - Les Nuits

It appears that another of my close friends is a regular to my journal. The best part is that he's gonna start his own as well. :) He sees it as a great way to vent frustration and rant at whatever needs ranting at...i couldn't agree more. It certainly does help to put one's thoughts down and organize them...its a starting point for the evolution of thinking. So i salute you, man :) I hope it helps you as much as its helped me.

Another interesting thing here is that he's going thru a similar thing to what i'm currently involved in...not to the same extent and not quite the same circumstances, but the feelings are pretty close. To be honest, i never thought much about how he felt on that issue, but i have had moments when i wondered how he must feel about it. Now i know...well, at least more than i did. And i can totally sympathise. He tells me that his dad gives him a hard time about being single...even to the point where his dad thinks he may be practicing an alternative lifestyle. Let me take this moment to remind you all that I personally have nothing against gays or lesbians...i have very close friends that fall into that category...whatever other people choose to do with their life is their business...i've no right to criticize. Our parents, however have a different view of things (note: generalization here...ignore if it doesn;t apply to your parents). His dad doesn't accept that lifestyle as much as he does or i do. My generation accepts it quite well, but theirs does not. Case in point, it gets on his nerves to constantly have someone dragging up feeling of lonliness and depression when one is trying to get over them and continue with life. My grandmother does that to me whenever she comes to visit...thankfully its only every two years. She cannot accept that I simply have not found anyone yet. Oh sure, its so easy in her mind...just go out and get one. Just like that. Unfortunately, society today isn't like it used to be. Perhaps it was easier in her time, but it certainly isn't in this time. At least not for me. Now, i did neglect to inform her that I have had people in mind...oh yes...there's always someone i'd _like_ to be with. The cards just never play out in my favour. The one thats on my mind right now is shaping up to be a difficult hand to play. I don;t think there's any amount of strategizing i can do here...i just have to play it straight out and hope it goes somewhere. If there was a strategy...or even a bloody hint, i'd take it. I'll take anything i can get.

So, i hope you see my point...and his as well. Its hard enough to get thru this existance without someone dragging you down emotionally. And believe me, i get constant (though indirect) reminders daily. Every couple holding hands...every tender moment in a movie...every PDA (Public Display of Affection). They all hurt...badly. And i suppose my shyness around people in general doesn't help. Nor does my rough exterior, which i have described to you in previous writings. I may not be much to look at for the pop-culture crowd, but for those who are truly looking for something genuine...something that cannot be faked...this is the place to look. You may be surprised at what hides beneath the layers of soil and stone. Sure i may say that i hate chick-flicks, or that doing some things can get too sappy...but truly its just a ruse...i just hate feeling those feelings when there's no one to share them with. I've done chick flicks before...and sometimes i've even (gasp!) shed tears. Touching moments get to me too, contrary to popular belief. I rarely show my emotional response, however (no surprise here, eh?). Sometimes I wonder if showing this would help in any way. If someone saw me show my emotional side, would they understand? Or would they seize the opportunity to turn it into a emotional nightmare. I usually think the latter will happen. Perhaps it really won't...should i experiment? I seriously doubt there's anyone left in this crappy town who would see me for me. Hence I often think a change of scenery would help. A new culture. Or maybe there is something already here. Something barely visible, but actually in existance. Maybe i just have to look harder. The question is, is there a diamond in the rough?

*sigh* In other news, i have completed my music selections for jenn and molly. I know they'll both like what i've put together. Since i express my feelings best with music, this seems the best way to try to get my points across. I still don;t know what I should write in jenn's letter. There are two ways I could take it...and one of them scares me to death. The path i'd like to take just scares the life right out of me. True, if i stop to think about it, whats the worst that could happen? I mean, i have a decently established life here, however lonely and boring it may be. So, nothing really could go terribly wrong. I'd only have something to gain. Question here is, can I handle it emotionally. I'm not going to ponder suicide or any of that nonsense...i've been down that road enough times. Nothing good will come of that way out. But, how will the rest of things be affected? I don;t need things any harder than they are. I've got enough feelings of uncertanty and anger to deal with. I have _no_ need to feel any more of that. Only time will tell...

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