from the researching-the-future department.
written by alan on September 29, 2002

Music: Interpol - Stella / Underworld - Sola Sistim / Redanka - Out of the dark

Another weekend done. Another week begins. *sigh* At least I ended up doing stuff this time. I had a chance to go out with rod and becky again...its been quite some time since the three of us had done anything. We used to do quite a lot of stuff back in high school, but we went out seperate ways after that. It was certainly nice to do stuff with them again. They haven;t changed a bit ;)

Rod did share a few words with me regarding my current situation. The depression i'm going through had concerned him, which i was glad least he cares :) He says that he's shared a similar incident to what i'm going thru. Someone he had feelings for was too far away for him to get close to...or something to that effect, which is what i have here. Someone I have feelings for is too far away for me to do anything about it. He did suggest that I go ahead with the opportunity to meet the object of my feelings, which i also agreed with. But, on some other level it still hurts. I'm sure i can bear the pain of that trip, even if its just to satisfy my curiosity. I need to know if I should move on or not. I need to find out if its worth it. True, i'm young...and now is apparently the time to be adventurous with life. But i don;t know if i should go with this...maybe i'm still too used to my environment. I never liked radical one ever does, i believe. Slow change is good. Too fast of a change causes problems. Rod asked me if i'd be willing to relocate to persue this part of my life. I told him I couldn't...but i hadn;t thought about it much at that time. I'm still thinking of that...but, of course i don't want to attempt it only to find myself rejected and hurt. Then i'd have to make my way back here and try to pick up the pieces. This is something i do NOT need. If the risk is worth it, perhaps. I think the meeting will answer many questions. The physical is always more definitive. Rod also expressed some disappointment in the fact that i sometimes use my journal to speak to someone instead of speaking to them directly. I now know why i do this...i fear the negative response that i swear i'll get if i tell it straight up. And then i become hypocritical. I've always told people that I prefer things straight-up and mincing words, no beating around the bush.

As a favourite song of mine goes, 'don't make a big production, don't make an elaborate story...this'll help you avoid a big tear-jerking scene.' So maybe i should just lay it all out and go for broke. If i lose, well, at least I know what the score is. It'll take me much more time to get over it...and the pain will be forever there...but the truth will be known. And that, my faithful readers, is something i must accept.

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