from the 3-step-program department.
written by alan on February 03, 2003

Music: Schiller - Dream of You / Bent - Welly Top Mary / Moby - First Cool Hive / Moby - God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters / Moby - Go

No, i'm not talking about a smoking habit. The cravings of which I speak are quite different...but, i suppose one could draw some kind of contrast between it and smoking. Someone very close to me recently explained a hard truth about life. She said something to this effect: If you've craved the attention and affection of another person in your life for so long, you'll instantly attach yourself to the first person that even comes close to offering that up. But even then, you don't know if the feelings are real. Its merely a quick fix for an aching problem.

This got me thinking (*gasp!*) ;). Coupled with jason's observations on relationships, i've begun to reach a few conclusions about my own. I believe what I need now is simply a close friend. Well...maybe its not that simple, but i guess neither was finding a soulmate. Sure, I still want to share in some affection...i think i deserve a bit. I've been a close friend to many (and still am), but it is very rare that someone gets close to me. In fact, I don;t think its happened yet. Maybe all I really need is a big hug. I love hugs :) Especially slightly emotional ones...they just feel so damn good. Molly knows what i mean there...i loved hugging her :) It always made me smile.

Its not the physical attention i'm after...not the sexual stuff. Those are just extras. The real bond is more than that...way more. Its a total understanding of oneself as well as the other person. To say that no one understands me would be incorrect. There are people who get the gist of me. Wes, for one. I'm sure Amy gets it too...Molly's got an idea, and Jenn may also have the same. Perhaps Mel does too. Beyond that, there's no one. Just a few of my friends. Only a couple of which have any real clue about me. Not even my parents get me totally...there's so much i've kept hidden from them. They wouldn't understand anyways. They were raised in a different society, so their basis for what I call my life isn't anything that I wish to have it compared to.

Maybe this is what I've been waiting for...the point in which I finally let go of all the BS and just get on with things. I'll just have force myself to be content with what i have...unless something else comes along. I can;t count on that tho. Keeping my hopes up about anything, especially this, only results in pain. Pain like i've felt last month. It was interesting to experience it the first time, but i'm not looking forward to feeling it again. I can only hope there's no need to go though it.

I will return to the discussion about small cities very Soon(tm).

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