from the really-don't-know-if-want department.
written by alan on July 06, 2006

I think my mom is right. It _is_ a little disconcerting that mika is spending time with single guys. They are her new friends, though. She told me that she doesn't want to replace me; that she only wants to meet new friends so she can have a social life. That idea doesn't bother me at all. It's the single guy thing that gets me. I'm worrying that spending so much time with single guys might draw her away from what we have. But, on the other hand, she did tell me that being with her new friends so much makes her miss me even more. She also has told me how much she loves me and how much she misses me lately. I had the biggest smile on my face when i heard those words. What's more, she now has some secret plans for our anniversary at tne end of august. She's going to come up to visit for a night and then she's taking me on a little day trip somewhere.

So, why is it that I can't let these feelings and worries go? Why can't I be happy with our relationship and the fact that she loves me? I mean, I'm happy that she loves me and that she wants to continue with out relationship and take it forward. That's wonderful! But I still worry. Maybe it's lingering feelings from all that has happened to us in the last couple months. Perhaps my confidence in the relationship has slipped so much that it's taking a while to rebuild it. I hope my confidence in it increases. I liked it when I was sure of our relationship. I didn;t worry very much about it at all.

Y'know, so far 99% of my worrying has been for nought. However, it's hard to simply stop worrying. That's something I've done for a long time; and frankly, I have no bloody clue how to work on it. I wonder if I should just talk to her about all of these feelings. Part of me raises the alarm bells when I consider doing that. I mean, really...I can't stop talking about this to her. I'm talking about it less, mind you. But it's hard to talk about it less. Of course, the other part of me says I should go right ahead. Communication is key in a relationship. She could be completely open, receptive, and supportive of it. I would absolutely love that. I would love her support with this. I just don;t know if I should ask her for it. I don't want to give her another thing to worry about. She does so much already.

I care for her so much. I just...i don't know. My mind gets all foggy like this every so often. Lately it's been once a week or so. So many thoughts and worries go buzzing through my head and I let them take over. I actually devote thought to them. I devote time to them. I really don't want to. I don;t want to worry about my relationship; I simply want to be happy together with mika. I was happy with her once and I know I _can_ be happy with her again. I hope we are happy together and that we get comfortable again; this time with a deeper understanding of each other and a love stronger than either of us have ever experienced. That is my hope and wish.

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