from the inner-thought department.
written by alan on October 14, 2002

Music: Royksopp - Remind Me / Fila Brazilia - Subtle Body / Bush - Letting the Cables Sleep (The NOW Mix) / Sasha - Mr.Tiddles

*sigh* I've finally finished that package for jenn and molly. Its signed and to send it....tomorrow, that is. Once i had closed that package, it was as if a weight had been lifted from me. I liked that. However, as the day wore on, my depression returned. This certainly was not what i had in mind. I still need to do some last minute studying tonite for my test tomorrow. I'm pretty much ready for that, but a bit more learning is in order.

Through all of this emotional turmoil i've experienced in the last 2 months, i've finally found my one big fear. Rejection. Sure, no one likes rejection...well, no one i've met anyhow. And thats all thats ever happened to me. Rejection. I've almost come to accept it. Except for this time. I thought this time could be different. It still may be (this may very well be the last of my hope) different, but indications tell me otherwise. But I must face the facts here. There's nothing I can do if Jenn takes my heart and drop-kicks it out a window. That will hurt...but in the grand scheme of things, its just another notch in the lose column. Heh, i can actually picture Jenn taking (a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of) it and physically kicking it out a window. In the event this happens, i guess i'll have to do what i've always done. I'll pick up whatever shards remain from its brutal beating, clean them off, and put them back as best I can until the next person comes along who wishes to get close to me. Whenever that would be.

At least this journal gives me an avenue to express my thoughts and feelings. It lets me get this stuff off my mind. I hate telling my friends how depressed I am...and i know they hate seeing me that way. I've done this so many times before when someone has gotten close to me and savagely shredded my heart to bits. And yet, they all seem to leave a few little pieces of it behind. A sympathy vote, perhaps? I wonder what this one will leave, if it gets shredded at all. Sometimes i hope nothing is left so i don't have to continue taking this crap. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be called 'life' without having its utterly terrible times. Every bloody time someone gets close i hope beyond hope that it will be the one who doesn't decide to hit 'puree' on the blender, but instead actually accepts what i have to offer without hesitation. Guess how often that happens...zilch.

I suppose now is as good of a time as any to come out with another fear of mine. I absolutely fear meeting that special someone when i'm 40...or older. By then its too late, in my eyes. I've just wasted a good chunk (close to half) of my existance waiting. There's so much you can;t do with love when you're that age...and so much you _can_ do at this age (i'm 22, by the way). I so want to experience young love. It looks so fun :) And yet, i fear that i may not ever experience that. I've only got one shot here...and i want to experience that more than anything. True, the happiest days of one's life can occur at any time...but i want mine to occur more than once....spread out over the whole so i have time to enjoy them, not all at once. I should have the right to enjoy my life, dammit! Why can't that happen to me? Somebody bloody tell me why!!

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