from the through-the-looking-glass department.
written by alan on December 29, 2002

Music: Pentatonik Anthology - Movements Pt.2 / DJ Tiesto - Battleship Grey / Schiller mit Heppner - Dream of You

It seems like many things have happened in the last week or so...but really, not much actually occurred. A friend of mine wrote an interesting piece in his journal. He was apparently rather disappointed that society has driven us to need a soulmate. He found it annoying that some people (including myself, i'm sure) almost obsess with finding that certain someone. The person who is supposedly the missing piece to the one person's life. What he had to say was quite valid. At the time I read his entry, I had thought of something to retort it has been lost. The more I thought about what he said, the more it made sense. At the very least it's an alternative view of life that I hadn't thought about.

Its this viewpoint that's been causing me a bit of hardship lately. I'm trying to integrate it into my way of thinking...trying to add its distinctiveness to my own. A sort of 'Borg-like' assimilation, if you will. So now I'm torn between these two ideals. Should I really go looking for this 'soulmate', or should I put that behind me totally and forget about it? The latter approach would certainly be difficult. There's a constant reminder from all sides about what it's like to be with that perfect someone...and believe me, it hurts to no end to see it. I realize now that I've spent a great deal of my life thus far completely attached to the notion that I need a sigificant other in my life. It would take an enormous feat of willpower to overcome that ideal. Certainly it is within my power to do it, but its quite a daunting task.

The former approach was brought up when I finally let my mom in on all that's been going on with my personal life; the little internal struggle i've been dealing with for the last few months. Needless to say, she went rather quiet after I had explained my emotional state. I expected this reaction from her. I know she had no knowledge at all of what was happening. I've tried to keep things as hidden as I could from my family. I mean, they'd never leave me alone about sister, especially. Oh hell, i'd never hear the end about how i was so immature for thinking those thoughts, blah, blah, blah. She, of course, wouldn;t understand. She's all taken care of in that department anyways...and I get so jealous of it. So, my mom suggests that all I need to do is look harder. But then I remember those many people who've told me that looking harder gets you nowhere. What the hell do I do then?

To be fair, i must admit that I have no idea if finding a soulmate would make me happy. Currently, only two things make me happy: doing my job, and mixing music. When i do those things, i have no other cares...nothing else matters. Especially with the music, I can express my feelings in a healthy way. Its so nice to just play the music that describes how I feel. Some people will get it, others will just sit and listen...making whatever of it that they wish. This makes me very happy. I can let my mind wander and be content having no other cares. This is why I play a lot of underground stuff at my mainstream music can accurately describe how I feel. This underground music is something people can let their minds loose on...something they can really get into.

I'm still letting these thoughts stew around in my head for a while. I really need to make a consensus on them. I think it will help with the evolution of my thought process a bit more. Who knows...i may be able to put this all behind me. And with my luck, once i've done that, the exact opposite will happen...i'll meet that someone and things will go spiraling in the other sideways direction. *sigh* It just wouldn't be called 'Life' without crap like this, eh?

previous | next