from the don't-know-what-to-do department.
written by alan on September 06, 2007

I really don't know what to do at this point. I so long for a companion once again, except this time I long for one that will last. I have a couple options to choose from at this point. I signed up for a dating service last year, so there's a substantial amount of money tied up in that. I've also got an account on this infamous eHarmony site. While I haven't sunk any money into it as yet, it is tempting me. I could also just let life take its course until I happen upon that someone. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm also afraid, but i'm not sure why. i'm afraid to meet any of these people. Maybe i'm just afraid that the next one will be completely different; that it won't feel how i'm expecting. Of course, i have one hell of an expectation. I want all that was good with mika and nothing that was bad. Completely expected, no? I want the cuddling, the holding hands, the funny conversations, the smiles meant only for each other, the intimacy, the friendship. I don't want the head games, the lack of communication, the lack of devotion and the lack of independent thought. Yes, I think I may have some trust and dependence issues to work on, but how do I work on them without someone there with me? Perhaps I don't know what a real relationship feels like. I've only had a single serious relationship to date; with someone younger than I, no less. I know we loved each other at one point. Unfortunately, she changed and I didn't. I'd already made most of my changes, but she was just getting started. It would probably have helped had she thought for herself and not relied too heavily on the opinions of her best friend and her mother. Yes, i know that sounds jealous of me, however the whole story isn't known. You'll only get my perspective, so take it for what it's worth. Her best friend impressed her own feelings about men and relationships to quite an extent. And, of course, both of them have had less than fortunate upbringings. When she left me, she told me that when I was around she could not make her own decisions; that I was somehow holding her back. When she was away from me, she was free to decide whatever she wanted. I call shenanigans. That's an excuse. There is always a choice, there is always a decision that can be made. I held no one back from anything. That's not my way. Christina says that I dodged a bullet. Oddly enough, my friends told me this recently as well. All I know is that she broke my heart more than it has ever been broken by someone. So you see where some of my trust issues lie. A little more than a year after it all ended, I still don't know if i'm "over it" or "ready to move on". There's no formula for that. There's no guide book. I want to share my love once again. I miss that.

previous | next