from the bucket-for-monsieur department.
written by alan on December 21, 2002

Music: Marumari - Indigo Florist / The Herbalizer - Put It On Tape / Radiohead - Climbing Up The Walls (Fila Brazilia Mix) / A Reminiscent Drive - Life Is Beautiful

I wish i could shake this depression. Every time I think of this one person, I get really sad...and its that lonely kind of sad. But then again, I can rationalize it since its all i've ever known. My life is so dull. All i do is work and sleep...for the most part. I hardly have the energy to do anything constructive anymore. The work is intellectually rewarding, yes...but thats all it is. I'd always thought there was more to life than that. I see it all around me, yet I'm not allowed to experience it.

Its getting to the point where i feel I should just accept how everything is and give up hope. I know a few friends of mine would tell me to wisen up and keep that hope alive. in particular comes to mind :) We've had a few conversations about hope before. She swears by it...she swears something's gonna happen. Okay...i believe show me the proof. Enough blind faith...I wanna see something happen. I don't care if its with Person A or Person B, I just want to get someone. They'll have to be compatible tho...I can;t just take anybody. If that were the case, neither party would be happy and it would end bitterly. I want to avoid this at all costs.

I thought about desperation a bit today. I found that it wouldn't work. If I was desperate, then i'd settle for the first person who shows any interest...and then i would be unhappy, and eventually so would they. So, here it is...every new option I come across turns out to be no good....logically speaking. I think I may understand some of what Jenn was feeling a little while ago. I'm reverting to pure logic to get by. The emotions just go in a bucket in the corner of the room. Warning: some spillage may occur. Please wear protective gloves and goggles before handling.

Oh...i'd like to apologize for the long list of music. Some days it takes quite a few tracks to get my thoughts straight.

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