from the history-repeating department.
written by alan on December 08, 2002

Music: Bermuda Triangle - Mooger Fooger / Fonka Delix - Ganja Mist / Telepopmusik - Breathe (extd. cut)

As if you all haven't heard this enough from other people or other journals, life is starting to slide downward again. With all people, there are ups and downs to everything. Some may have more of either than others. I like to think that I have it pretty balanced...much like the periodic curves of the sine wave. In the past few days tho, its becoming apparent to me that i'm heading into a down cycle.

What's hitting me most is (once again) my single-ness. During these last few days, my friends have been speaking more and more of coupled life...of its splendours and pleasures. Please excuse me if i get offended. I absolutely _hate_ people talking about how wonderful or romantic it is to be in a relationship when I can;t share the same sentiments. Oh, when i get into one, then it'll be okay...but right now, i could certainly stand to not hear that. I know what it's like. I've seen enough of it to make an educated judgement. So, telling me more and more about it is just making things worse on me. Like i don;t have enough to think about already. I am impressed at how i've been able to stow my feelings away for the past few weeks. Work has taken my mind off the other aspects of this existance...and i'm grateful for that. Hell, without it i dunno what i'd do with myself.

And another thing that hits me is the way most people rebound from depressions like this. Usually within a couple weeks they're back on their feet with someone new or someone old. Perhaps they've found spiritual guidance, or merely someone who finally understands them. Either way its good for them...but not so for me. The best that it gets for me is success at work. Or maybe a new toy that i've gotten my hands on. Thats it. No emotional gains. Nada. Just material things. I'm sick of that. For once i'd like to see an emotional gain...something to keep me going. Just a taste would be nice. Something to let me know that its not all a waste. Even if it was, i'd keep going on...but at least there'd be a good reason to continue otherwise.

Perhaps it does come down to my little thing with physical attraction. I'm sure i've spoken of my 'curse'. I always seem to attract the women that I don't find particularly attractive myself. Oh sure, they're good looking...but they just don't 'do it' for me. Now I'd imagine some of you will call me shallow for that, but you are probably in a similar situation as I am. There's another thing i can rant about..

Why is it that if a woman likes you but you don;t quite like her 'that way' in return, you're labelled 'shallow'? What the fsck is going on with that? Just because I'm not a supermodel, doesn't mean i _have_ to like you simply because you like me. I get a choice too, you know. Those that label people in this way should be shot. If you think you have the right to do that, then you have no right to be happy in your life. I have no idea where this social conception came from, but the people who started it should be hung for their bastard ideals. Its one thing for someone to be labelled shallow if they totally disregard someone entirely on the basis of looks. Its quite another if someone is labelled shallow for just not having that attraction. There are many women that I believe to be awesome people. Great personalities, great friends...but some of them just don't do it for me. You must admit that there is a certain physical attraction in any relationship. Said attraction should not be the entire basis for a relationship, but it does have some pull. Its like, i'm not going to get involved with someone if I'm unhappy about it. They'll just think everything is fine and i'll be constantly suffering...and when they figure out that i'm in pain, they'll react oh-so-badly when they find out the reasoning. C'mon gotta endeavour to find out the _real_ reason that someone turns you down. If they truly just don;t find you attractive (as is what happens to me most of the time ;)), then you can't label them shallow, or a bitch, or whatever. There are billions of people on this of them has to think otherwise. :)

One more thing while i'm on the subject...its now getting to the point that women think i've been in a decently long relationship before. So now when they find out that I've only gone on 3 one night dates...count 'em, t-h-r-e-e...yes you can do it on one hand, they're all of a sudden turned off. Uhh, hello? You can;t just assume that because i'm 23 (in a few days), i've been there before. That's a pretty ignorant thought. I just haven't met that someone...and i'm saving myself for her. Some may think thats cute (thanks :)), others may laugh (you can eat me), but its how i'm doing it. So, you'll just have to bear with me. Everything takes time...especially me. :)

Whew! This was a long one, eh? But it was necessary. It should make up for all those days i've missed lately. I'll be getting back to this some more, so stick around. You're bound to see cool stuff. :)

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