from the it's-a-daily-thing department.
written by alan on April 15, 2008

Music: The Album Leaf - The Outer Banks

I'm not entirely sure why I struggle with this, but I do. Despite the fact that this was never an issue with Mika, it's an issue now as it was an issue before. I would like to find that someone, settle down and raise a family. The thing is, I refuse to "settle" for just anyone. Both sides need to be completely happy with the arrangement. My issue is that I tend to attract people that I do not find physically attractive. I've said this before, but it comes back to kick me in the butt almost every time someone new crosses into my life. The ones I find physically attractive usually come up with a reason (albeit lame in most cases) to not like me in one way or another.

I refuse to think that I'm shallow. There must be some physical attraction between people. I'm not attracted to model-type people. I'm not attracted to obese people. I'm attracted to real women; curvy women. That's where I find beauty. To be even more specific, I'm a face person. Yes, yes...I hear you all now..."shallow!" I have to be attracted to _something_. With me, it's the face. More importantly, the smile. That was the one thing I loved (and missed) most about Mika: her smile. Now, I don't look for the same smile, but I know what I like when I see it. I've come across a few smiles that I adore, but they're always unattainable for various reasons - usually because they're "someone else's".

Another issue that follows this one is, how do I tell someone that it's not going to work out because I don't find them physically attractive? I mean, how slippery of a slope can you get? If you actually say that you're not physically attracted to someone, they're hurt because you think they're "ugly". If you dance around the issue somehow, they're hurt because you "lied" to them. It seems that there is no way to save face in these situations. So, what have I done then? I've simply cut off all contact. I'm a "jerk". Ladies, look at my options here. What would you do? I think you're all amazing people, i'm simply not physically attracted to some of you. What would you have me say?

I was out for lunch with Sean and Paul today when the topic of marriage came up. Paul is to be wed in 66 days, IIRC. Sean also stated his intent to settle down. I want to do the same. I'm self-sustaining, i have a good career, hobbies that I thoroughly enjoy, an amazing family and a circle of friends so diverse that I sometimes wonder how I ever got so lucky. Why then does it seem like I have to simply give up my sense of physical attraction to achieve that goal? I don't believe that I should, and i've yet to hear a clear argument why I should.

I'd love to reconcile this and just move on.

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