from the i'm-afraid-even-I-really-just-don't-know department.
written by alan on August 26, 2007

at this point, i'm no longer sure of anything anymore. every time I think I have some sort of handle on things, life spirals downward again. i quite obviously don't know how to think before I speak. it's gotten me in enough trouble as of late. my job is suffering, my family life is sufering. I simply don't knwo what to do with it all. I don;t even know how I can continue to live in my apartment. every time i stare out the balcony window, i want to go outside and jump off. it takes a decent amount of restraint to keep me from doing so. i dismiss the thoughts as irrational, but they keep coming back to haunt me. the best part is, my family thinks i'm just fine. and why not? i'm male. i'm supposed to just hide everything away like everyone else and continue on. i'm not allowed to get any relief from these things going thru my head. that's not possible at all. my mother, white picket fence syndrome (yes mika, you hit that one square on the head) and all, can't seem to see it. i would have thought that since she could help my sister out so well that she'd at least be able to help me. not true. ...more later

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